How to Know If You Should Get Cosmetic Surgery
The ultimate guide to evade all your insecurities until the beauty industry comes up with some more!
We as humans have always been grotesque, but we lived in ignorance of our condition until Photoshop and Instagram Face showed us that unless our facial features are homogenized, westernized, and blurred out, we are not beautiful. The less detail, the better, we thought. This is because magazines had us guessing for decades if their cover girls were part of an elite strata of humanity, where problems, pores, and pimples didn’t exist, or maybe it was Maybelline?
In truth, we live in a difficult reality. One where our facial features are not blurred to perfection by filters. But doctors, scientists, and the Kardashians have pioneered empowering procedures for us. Now, instead of blurring away our features like bourgeois, we too can exude luxury by finessing our facial structures and body shapes. That’s right. The days of standing in front of the mirror and poking at our undesired body parts are over. Instead, we can now let plastic surgeons poke at us.
When it comes down to it, the question is not if you should get surgery, but which one you should get. Luckily, we have created several litmus tests below to help you know what to get. Doctors who tell you that the surgeries you decide on are “risky” or “unnecessary” are just jealous. Always seek out a second opinion, and our opinion is yes:
The Wall Matrix: Stand up to a wall. If your nose touches first, get a nose job and a boob job. If your boobs touch first, get a nose job only (for now). Re-do this test after the nose job, at which point you will be jealous of the people who also got the boob job. Go ahead and get the boob job.
Say bleph!: Put on low quality eyeliner. If it gets into your eyebrows, then you don’t need a different makeup technique. You need blepharoplasty!
The Mary-Kate and Ashley: Since the 2000’s, the Olsen twins have divulged their secret to a perfect smile: “say prune”. However, if you find yourself regularly getting caught on camera at the “oooo” part instead of the “pr”, then get a healthy smorgasbord of buccal fat removal, jaw implants, and lip filler, and you will have that covetable sunken cheek look at every moment.
Etch those abs: Unless you are pregnant or the team captain of an olympic team, then pull on your low rise jeans from 2011 and get this procedure done.
To BBL or not to BBL?: The answer is always to BBL, but only if you can afford a full new wardrobe of Good American jeans.
Eyebrow lift: Curiosity and wonder are some of the most beautiful states of life. Unless you naturally look constantly surprised, you should consider a brow lift.
On Bleaching: Look in the mirror and compare your teeth to the whites of your eyeballs. Bleach whichever one is less white. Same applies for your asshole.
No-brainer Botox: Zoom in on a photo of yourself smiling. If you don’t see lines, zoom in further. Zoom in until you see fine lines and then get botox. Do this for every photo. Even an MRI, which is a photo of your brain. Your brain is the wrinkliest part of your body. Disgusting gyri! Botox that evolutionarily-advanced surface area away!
There are hundreds of surgeries out there, and while you should not get them all, you should definitely get several. It’s not just for yourself. Here are some altruistic reasons why you should get cosmetic surgery:
Cosmetic surgeries are very good for strengthening friendships. It is an effective way to virtue signal to your friends - not that you believe in smashing the racist heteropatriarchal systems of capitalism that uphold the Beauty Myth - but that you believe in their potential for beauty. You can be a trend-setter in your friend group, and inspire your friends to get procedures themselves. This will make Sunday brunches where you competitively debase your appearances not only more peaceful, but more intellectual. Rather than pointing out which body parts you would like to rip off and replace like a Mr. Potato Head doll, you are finally free to talk about NFTs, Effective Altruism, or climate change.
Getting surgery is also good for love. Especially if you are in a relationship with someone whose love language is Refuting their Self-deprecation. Rather than telling them they are beautiful, why not show them? Only by getting cosmetic procedures yourself can you earnestly tell your partner that they are “naturally stunning” and “don’t need makeup” in contrast to your manufactured jawline and décolletage. Remember, it’s not important that you actually believe they are beautiful. In fact, they too probably need surgery. Imagine how much better their kisses will be after they have lip filler.
When you get surgery, you help destigmatize difficult to talk about medical procedures. Abortions, mastectomies, and erectile dysfunction disorders have already become popular media topics - now it’s on us to help your ugly loved ones know that cosmetic surgery is nothing embarrassing. All humans are not beautiful without Photoshop. Even celebrities have ugly siblings, in a sleight of their elite gene pools. Many nepo babies are ugly as well, but that seems more unforgivable.
Cosmetic surgeries are also good for stimulating the economy. Not only will you keep plastic surgeons in their operating theaters, you will also support writers at beauty magazines, meme account creators, the Kardashian SKIMS line, and even children’s television (hello updated buccal fat-free version of Barney!). Whether you’re a woman in STEM, a “SheEO” at a multi-level marketing pyramid scheme, or a stay-at-home mother, we are all #girlbossing in our own ways, and can empower ourselves to lean away from unattractiveness. In fact, take this as a sign to put some stocks in lip injectables before you miss out!
Cosmetic surgery is also part of a strong, progressive political stance. Several problems threaten human existence, including environmental disaster, nuclear war, asteroids, and of course, our impending sagging chin lines. We are reproducing later and later in life, and who is going to want to procreate with a botox-free 35-year-old? So, just as we prioritize recycling and submitting our ballots, it’s important that we take action against the common human condition of ugliness. It’s actually quite feminist to show nature that we are in control of it.
It is our imperative to use the technology we have access to for good. Instagram filters and Facetune allow us to see the potential of who we could be - with eyebrow lifts and cheek filler. Beauty is at your fingertips. We are all so close to becoming beautiful enough to only ever use Glossier products.
About Swati Sudarsan
Swati Sudarsan was the runner-up of the 2022 So to Speak Contest Issue and is a Pushcart Prize nominee. She has received support from Tin House, the Kenyon Review, Kweli Journal, and Martha's Vineyard Institute of Creative Writing. Her work can be found in McSweeney's, Catapult, Denver Quarterly and more. She edits at Moot Point Magazine and lives in Oakland, CA, where she works as a public health scientist.